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November 28 2011

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“Hank, what the hell are you flailing your arms at? I know that Broadway musicals aren’t your thing, and I also know that you’re not the biggest Billy Joel fan, but can you keep your disapproving gesticulations to yourself until a crappy song like Uptown Girl or We Didn’t Start The Fire? I didn’t make a peep when you dragged me to the all day Lord Of The Rings Trilogy marathon at the Cinerama. I didn’t get up and start yelling when Legolas did that totally fake looking swingy horse mount move that looked really stupidAUUAHHAGHAGGHAGAGGAGAGGGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Zinny, why so touchy?? You can’t take a little ball busting, eh? I’m sure France will get the McRib sooner or later. Its only a matter of time! But until then, you’re welcome to visit me in Ancona and we can go down to the local McD and have a delicious, succulent, juicy McRib sandwichAUUAHHAGHAGAHAGHAGA…… AUUAGGHAGGAHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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November 27 2011

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“Life RULES. Ever since we came out of Thunderdome we’ve been riding high. For a minute it was dicey and I didn’t think we were going to win. I credit you for coming up with that finishing blow to Tournee Du Chat Noir. Now that we’re the #1 poster for 22-37 year old white girls to hang in their apartment we can finally settle down and get on with our livesAUUAHHAGHAGAGAGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“OK ladies, let’s settle down. I am calling to order today’s meeting. Yesterday we discussed the philosophical ramifications of male stereotypes and seen through the lens of Pretty In Pink. That brought up some good points, so today I’d like to discuss how some of those concepts came up just a few short years later in Less Than Zero. I know its a bit of a stretch, but work with me here. This window occupation has only just begun, and we have all dayAUUUAHUAHHHAGGAGAGAGGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Très drôle, industrial revolution. We really love the stunning advancements in lung-clogging smog, horrific deaths due to getting run over by monstrous locomotives and getting diced to shreds in industrial factory machinery. We really love that toddlers have to work fourteen hours a day, phallic brick structures belch black smoke into our faces all day and those oh-so-chic neverending torrents of toxic sludge barfing into our waterways. Despite all that, I see that Amazon has a cyber Monday deal for those new fangled pantaloons people are calling the ‘blue jeans’! For that, I will gladly sit in this park to wait for the public steam powered CompaqAUUAUHAHAGHAGAHGAGAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

November 26 2011

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“Whoever brought the Bose iPod docking boom box is a BAWSE. Now we can mosh to Metal Church in the park and form up our circle pit properlyAUUAHHAGHAGAHAGGAGAHGGGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Wait. Hold the phone. Did I just see an old timey butler guy getting down with a guy in a bear suit? These pedals can not go fast enough away from anything having to do with thatAUUAHAGHAGHAGGAGAGAGGAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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~traffic noise~

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“I was THIS close to being the model for the Gorton’s Fish Sticks campaign. I could have gone down in history as the god damn Gorton’s Fisherman. You know what they said? ‘Your skin is too olive toned. It doesn’t work with the yellow rain slicker.’ Can you believe it? Olive toned? So now I’m stuck out here driving candy ass resort town police chiefs around in my boatAUUUAHHAGGGAGGAGGAHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHG



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“Dudes, can I ask you all something? Why are we always jiggling? No matter where we go, we’re slightly jittering or gyrating and its really kind of doing a number on my joints. We’re not getting any younger and I’d like it if we could just stop for a minute and have a seat. Maybe in that park over thereAUUHHAGHAGAHAGAGAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“‘Play the hand you’re dealt!’, they say. I’ve heard it a million times and you know what? Its all bullshit. Tammy gets three boobs, and I wind up a malformed little stomach DeVito. Yeah, what exactly am I supposed to do with this hand? I’m curious. What colossally fucked up game of cards would this hand be beneficial in? While you’re thinking I’ll just go ahead and experience the feeling of a fart brewing right behind my throat. If there was only a way to make you understand what that feels likeAUUAHHAGHAGHAGHAGGGAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Hey. Wassup smoke. So, I’m willing to accept that you are cryptic and only come around once in a while, but only if we both agree that at some point you open up a bit and tell me more about yourself. Does that sound OK? You can pull your little pranks on me and my camper buddies but just don’t stay so closed off. We’re all interested in you, and want to get to know you better. You’ll feel much better if you reveal something, too. That’s how friendship works. Its give and take. Last time I opened my heart to somebody they turned out to be a really corny new age mystic all into magnets and crystals and glowing caves of power and stupid shit like that. Just don’t be that, OK? Please? Do we have a dealAUYUUAHHAGHAGGAGGAHGGAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“luiiospijf sksun 77777  ŒœþF#$%#$¶¤§¬¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ß‡Ð((((((( µå« LLOWWHQYAA 8 ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ 8AUAUUUAAAAHHHHGHHGGGHHGHHHHHHHHHH”

November 25 2011

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“What did I say when I found out I had a painful skin virus? ‘All the shingle ladies! All the shingle ladies!’. HA! I crack myself up. No no, wait. What did I say when I got obsessed with eating potato chips out of a can? ‘All the Pringle ladies! All the Pringle ladies!’. LOLZERS!! I feel like I can tell you these jokes here and not be self-conscious. Jay doesn’t like my dad-humor around the house. Ok ok one more. What did I say when I got that game where you pull wooden blocks out of the tower and try to keep it from falling overAUUAHGAHAGHAGGAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Smell that? You smell that? That’s fifteen days without a shower. I tell ya, they write books, make movies about war… but they never really mention the stench. You put a guy in seventy five pounds of gear then have him hump twenty miles a day in the bush and try and tell me he’s not gonna smell like a turd deep fried in piss? You know what really burns me? Those movies where the soldier falls in love with the doe eyed girl in some war torn battlezone and they have a love scene. Total bullshit. I bet the minute either of their britches unzips a waft of toxic fume blasts out of there with enough force to knock out a tiger. Eye stinging crotch stench, man. It happens. Real sexy, eh? That’s warAUUAHGAHAGAHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“OMG OMG OMG OMG I woke up at 1am on Wednesday so I could camp out in sub zero temperatures for twenty seven hours so I could get $50 off a 31” Westinghouse 720i Plasma TV!!! I’m a little unsure, though, as the orderly line has now turned into a disorderly mass of unruly heathens all foaming at the mouth over the just announced doorbuster of a toaster that can accommodate bagels for 40% off. Shit. I think I just got elbowed in the ribs by my son’s Montessori teacher. Wait, the doors are opening!!! Every asshole for them self!!! Is that a toddler I just stomped? My deals are more important than your skullAUUAHHAGHAGAHAGHAGAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

November 24 2011

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“Quelle horreur. Life is just so hard. I mean really. What did I do to deserve this horrible life? I break my balls all day and make millions sitting around for 5 hours and then saying a few words to a camera and then going back to my fully furnished luxury trailer to nibble on succulent treats from the finest catering houses in Los Angeles and sip mineral water that costs $50 a bottle. Usually I have to DRAG myself out of bed to french the sexiest dudes in the world and lemme tell you that is just AWFUL. I mean, come on! Sometimes their idiotic looking mime makeup rubs off on me and the underappreciated makeup artist has to fuss over me for a few minutes just so I can look perfect for the next take. LE SIGH…. I really just hate this life and wish it would all stop. Anyway, I just signed on to another forty million dollar movie. WOE IS ME!!! I need to lie down. Maybe on this public beach, with this shirtless hunkAUUAHAGHAGAGAGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“HELL NO WE WON’T GO! That’s right, coppers, we’re occupying this field!! HELL NO WE WON’T GO!! What, you don’t understand the word ‘no’?? Its a really simple wordAUUAHGHAGHGAGHGHAGAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“Allright, allright!! He says ‘Wrapped up like a douche’!! Whatever you say, Cass. I mean Mohammed. Whatever. Just stop hitting me! If you don’t want to accept that there is an earlier version of the song where you can clearly hear the word ‘deuce’ then fine. I’ll agree with you if you just stop bashing on meAUUAHHAGHAGAHAGAHAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Reposted byNorkNorkecblack
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